Over the last few weeks circumstances converged and I found myself doing more grief work concerning the death of my husband Jason on April 2, 2007. It comes in fits and spurts. This particular experience was unexpected. One of my friends asked me if the girls and I would like to join him and other friends in Helen, GA.
Helen, GA is near where Jason proposed marriage to me on April 30, 2000. It was actually at the base of a beautiful waterfall that is somewhat nearby Helen. After our little picnic near the waterfall, in which he popped the question, we later went to Helen and took a carriage ride in the cool of the evening. We strolled arm in arm through the quaint shops and spent an hour mystified as the glass blower draped molten glass into delicate figurines at the glass blowing shop.
In March of 2007, about three weeks before Jason died, he suggested that we go to Helen for the day as a family. We always loved it there. We had a wonderful time introducing our fun, faux Bavarian village to Arie. We took what would be our last family portrait together there.
So when David asked me if I wanted to go to Helen, GA, I thought to myself that it was about time to return. I had been afraid of the sadness that returning to Helen might bring up. It would be nice not to go alone. You can't be too melancholy with four kids under the age of 7 (his two and my two). In fact, going back brought back beautiful memories and created new ones.
There is a family ritual to experiencing Helen. And unbeknownst to David, we were doing the routine. We went by Betty's General Store, a must see in Helen, and bought yummy supplies for the day. Just as I always had with Jason. Then on to the shops. I stopped by the Christmas Shoppe, which was curiously owned by a lovely Jewish woman and we had a laugh and a great conversation.
I thought it high time to get an ornament for Christmas from there. I have a tradition of getting ornaments to commemorate fun memories or significant accomplishments. That way, when I put up our Christmas tree in December, there are lots of family stories to reminisce while hanging the ornaments.
To commemorate our return to Helen, I picked two ornaments. For the past, one hand painted one that depicted the Bavarian buildings of Helen. And for the present, a lovely glass painted Jewish dradle. David, my friend who went with me to Helen is Jewish and other really amazing Jewish friends have really encouraged me on my journey (along with my Christian, Agnostic and even Buddhist friends too)! But for this day, I chose the dradle.
The kids ate more candy from the old time candy store than I care to acknowledge. Picking edible treasures from glass jars. Later, once they had hit their sugar quota, David did a stealthy backhand pass and I dumped the candy bag in the trash while the kids were distracted.
I actually didn't tell David about the significance of Helen until after we all ate dinner late in the day. I didn't want the trip to feel exceptionally heavy. And it wasn't.
I could have focused on all the things that should have, or could have been with Jason had he not died. And I couldn't help but do that for a little while. But hearing the beautiful dulcimer music played live by a older mountain man with a flowing white beard, feeling the warm evening air and listening to our children laugh...I was overwhelmed with thankfulness.
Thankfulness for the life I had with Jason, for the children I have now and for the friends who walk along side me. For a beautiful day and wonderful memories. For a babbling brook, the light that danced on the water near the table we ate dinner on and for crayons that the children used to color pictures on their paper menus and play tic-tac-toe with.
David and I talked about our lives then and now. He is a divorced single dad. We dated very briefly over a year ago, but decided that we would make great friends instead. And so he became a brother to me. We came to the conclusion that it's easy to let the past overwhelm the present. To let past hurts cloud a perfectly sunny day. And when that happens, it takes a conscience decision to pull yourself back into the here and now. I do that by focusing on something that is immediately near me. Like my daughters' smiles or the blue sky. That helps me let the past flow by and I can relax into the present.
I also try to make a concerted effort to "reclaim" areas of my life, like Helen, that feel charged with memories. It's a way of not letting my past constrict my present movement. But it's also good to slow down for a day or so afterward to let your spirit rest.
Today I was tired. Processing all that those thoughts and emotions takes effort. So I just flowed with my desire to get quiet. I snuggled into bed with my girls and we watched movies together. Later, we painted egg cartons with water colors. Sophia wore a cheerleading outfit that she loves but has clearly grown out of. When I tried to take it off of her, I actually lifted her off the ground trying to get the neck opening to get past her head.
Life is messy, but it's still GOOD!
No comments:
Post a Comment