FREE AT LAST!!! THANK GOD ALMIGHTY!!!

Let it be known that today, September 22, 2010 at approximately 6:10 PM I have finally done my time...POTTY TIME that is!

For the last six years, two months and ten days I have been on potty duty in one form or another. Well, in the name of journalistic integrity, I did have a two month hiatus from the time when Arie potty trained and Sophia was born. But once Sophia was external, it was back to square one. 

It's been one mighty long road to the quiet triumph of today. To that GLORIOUS FLUSH that was heard around our household. 

A brief recap. 

Once the diapers start coming, it's a never ending parade of Huggies. You muscle down the first two years and then slowly, slowly the brainwashing toward potty training begins. 

I have to give props to Elmo and his ground breaking DVD Elmo's Potty Time. 

Never have I heard such musical genius as the dulcet tunes to "Accidents Happen..." and other bathroom hits only muppets seem to pull off. When it came time to potty train Arie or Sophia and they wanted to watch TV, it was DVD time and Elmo and his dancing toilet were the only show in town. Every day. 

Arie my eldest was easier to bribe than Sophia. With a significant amount of Elmo airtime under her belt, I offered to buy her whatever pretty undergarments she wanted and within a 48 hours we kissed diapers goodbye forever. 

Sophia was a different story. I gave Elmo heavy rotation as I had with Arie. But Sophia was perfectly content to keep the status quo. I tried the offering of undergarments with any superhero or cartoon character she liked. She happy chose and then was unfazed when they didn't act like diapers. We waffled. I went back to diapers and would then try three separate times to potty train to no avail. And then one day, a few weeks after her third birthday, I said, "Sophia the diapers are going bye-bye forever." And that started our "Cold Turkey" phase. A new and completely unpredictable world. 

After a three day weekend of, shall we say, letting Sophia go commando at home and repeatedly taking her to the bathroom, cabin fever started to close in on me. I had to get out of the house. So off we went to REI. Maybe it was being around all that camping equipment but I turned to talk to a sales person for a moment and Arie pulled on my skirt. Jason, my late husband, dubbed her "First Alert" and for good reason. She is usually first on the scene and quick with a report. 

"Mommy, Sophia is making that face.", Arie said. 

Slightly distracted by all the wonderful outdoor gear I replied, "Huh, what are you talking about, Arie? What face?" And then it dawned on me. If you are a mom, you know the face. The face of the BIG ONE. The red cheeked, pressed lips and squinted eyes that says only one thing could be happening. I blanched and looked around the nearby sunglass display to see Sophia crouched in action position. "NOOOOOoooooooo!!!" I pleaded as I snatched up my child but had the presence of mind NOT to put her on my hip as we ran to the back of the store for the bathroom. 

Some accidents cannot be salvaged. I didn't look back as I left clothes in the REI bathroom garbage receptacle. 

Fast forward to conning Sophia to use the potty seat. I took to offering jelly beans for sitting down on the potty seat, which Sophia would only do CLOTHED. I would perch myself on the cold porcelain edge of the bathtub and read endless books to her so she would get comfortable sitting on the potty seat. She had a fear of falling in and for the longest time would not sit down on the thing. She was probably thinking, "What person in their right mind sits on a chair with a hole in the middle of it??" All I got for my efforts were two legs that fell asleep. So I pulled the potty seat near a TV set and put on her favorite show, Dora the Explorer. 

Gracias, Dora!!! 

Finally, Sophia relaxed and the rest is history. 

I couldn't believe my luck when I was free from diapers and all the accessories that followed! No more precarious encounters with those fold out changing tables in public bathrooms. Which actually inspired a protest or two on my part. While taking a road trip, I came across a few fast food chains that did not have changing tables in the restrooms. So I simply changed Sophia's diaper on one of the benches of a booth table. Then I let the manager know that if he did not want to have customers changing diapers in the dining area of his eating establishment, there needed to be a changing table in the restroom. POWER TO THE DIAPER!

There was an unexpected phase that I'm going to dub "Nature's Call." 

For a while Sophia took to stripping herself and going outside. I'd be washing the dishes and through the kitchen window see Sophia streaking like a little wood nymph across our backyard! But that's not all. She had a little plastic car that she would sit on and push around with her feet on our back patio. The seat lifted up...much like a potty seat and soon it became her potty of choice. I didn't know how to curb this sudden call of the wild. 

So one day while at the pediatrician's office to treat an ear infection, the doctor asked me how Sophia was doing developmentally. I said fine, except for a challenge in one area. I told the doctor about Sophi's new curious outdoor habits and asked if maybe the doctor could put in a good word about using the potty indoors.

She happily obliged and encouraged Sophia to do her business indoors. After that, the toy car mysteriously disappeared...some report that it made its way onto a garbage truck...but I can neither confirm nor deny such allegations. 

From then on, to this day when I mention the doctor, Sophia will say in her most serious three year old tone while pointing a finger for emphasis, "The doctor says no peeps or poops outside." And for that and so many other things I am thankful to the medical community. 

Today was not an especially significant day. No special plans made. I worked out for 90 minutes at the gym, we had a play date at the house and I finished what seemed like a truckload of laundry and was then cleaning the house. I got to the bathroom and there was a "gift" waiting for me in the potty seat and something in me just snapped. 

Sophia was near me and I said, "Sophi, Mommy doesn't want to do this anymore. Do you think you can put your stuff in the big potty?" 

"Yes, Mommy.", she replied. 
"Great!" I answered. 

Could it actually be this easy???

I put a child seat on the toilet and she tried to climb on but she was too small. It dawned on me that her potty converted to a step stool for this exact moment. So I took the potty top off, turned the base of the seat upside down and Voila! Step stool! Sophia mounted that toilet like a throne and sat proudly. 

After a few minutes there came from the bathroom her triumphant. "I did it! I did it!!!" 

I came in and cheered like an NFL Barbie! YEAH!!! 

Really, I thought of singing the Hallelujah chorus! After I was done, I said, "Sophia, I am so proud of you!" She beamed with pride, looked at me and said," Talk again, Mommy." 

So I said, "Sophia, you are a big girl now and I am so very proud of you!!!!" 

I kissed her, she hugged me and that was that. 

Maybe in years to come I will look back on the diaper years with wistful longing for the sweet chubby knees and yummy tummy that you get to kiss when the baby is all cleaned up. 

But today, I am only overjoyed to say a fond farewell to endless wipes and butt creams. Thank you! You served me well! But from today forward I stand before you a FREE WOMAN and it feels PRETTY FREAKIN' AMAZING!!!