Play Time

When my husband died, one of the ways that I coped with being a single mom was to fill our days with activity. 

I didn't want to slow down because it was too hard to be still. To many memories came flooding back. And then I would have to fight the feeling of being sad. 

Before he passed, I used to spend long stretches of time just playing with Arie when she was two. We would paint or color, blow bubbles outside or play hide and go seek for hours. 

Now I plan trips downtown, like last Thursday to Centenial Olympic Park to hear music at the National Black Arts Festival (NBAC.org). We heard a FABULOUS Brazilian band called Olodum! My girls and I danced on the lawn near the band. Drums were pounding, other people were performing Capoeira (an Afro-Brazilian from of Marital Arts). It was a feast for the eyes. Here's a link to see an example of Capoeira on Youtube. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7sBSNb73RKs&feature=related

This is the motherhood I have newly become accoustomed to. One full of cultural experiences. One of adventure. I'm great at taking trips. I llke motion. And it's not a bad way to live. Only that yesterday, my trip to listen to Ghanaian percusion artists with my girls was rained out. 

When that happens, I usually go to Blockbuster and rent some movies. We have Netflix too but I just felt like something new. 

The girls took their siesta (what I call their two hour afternoon nap) when we got home which let me watch the movie Good Hair with Chris Rock. I really enjoyed his documentary style. Anyway, my oldest daughter got up first and said, "Mom, build a fort with me. Please." There really is something in me that doesn't want to do this. And I wish it wasn't there. A part of me stopped playing quietly when Jason died. 

My children's grandmother Sylvia is a world class fort builder. There is not a couch cushion she has met that she can't turn into the Taj Mahal. She sews huge pieces of fabric together and caries colorful clamps in her purse. When she is done fort building in my kids' room I feel like I've stepped into a bedouin tent in Ariabia. 

I was able to satisfy here by draping a few blankets, getting some popcorn and turning on the movie. 

Later on, some friends came by and invited us to Chili's. I was getting ready to leave and my oldest pulled on my arm. 

"Mommy, please play Barbies with me," She asked, eyes pleading. "Baby, we are getting ready to go..." I countered. 

"Just for a few minutes," she said. "Okay," I replied. 

And then it happened. Barbie had turned into my alter ego from Jersey who didn't want to walk far in her Jimmy Choo's to get her car. The girls were laughing hysterically. 

We were sitting in their room, on the carpet and I watched my oldest play with her Barbie and she was so beautiful that my heart felt like it was breaking. How long will she want to make her barbie dance? How long will she want to play, sitting cross legged with me before friends and boys will take over the scene? 

Brazilian percusion bands are incredible, but so is slowing down enough to see the tender girlhood which blooms so quietly in the stillness of my daughters' room. 

It's not a Sprint, it's a Marathon

I worked out for an hour with my trainer yesterday. I really didn't feel like it because I had some unresolved stress to deal with. 

Then I realized, this issue is not a sprint, it's a marathon! I'm not going to resolve this today.  Not that I'm any marathon expert, but being in a few triathlons has taught me a a life lesson or two. 

For a distance race it's about daily preparation. 

A work out every day or two for 40 minutes to an hour. You have to have a plan to map out what you want to achieve and in what time frame. I found a great website called Trainingpeaks.com that helps you do just that! I'm downloading an exercise and nutrition plan this week!

You need to eat right so you don't bottom out in energy. Not eating well contributes to depression, which just puts you on a downward spiral. You eat sugar because you feel badly and then you feel worse after the sugar and it's all slippery slope. I read a great book that spoke just to that issue. It's called Depression Free Naturally by Joan Mathews Larson, PH.D. It was a great help in demystifying depression and what you can practically do to physically feel great!

You need to sleep well so you are rested, and in my case, being well rested helps me feel more physically balanced...So I don't do things like hit myself in the face with an exercise ball! (Believe me, I've done worse)! There are lots of sleep tips. I didn't sleep well for a few years after Jason died. Not sure I have that one yet, but there are a few things that help. I try to stop taking calls one hour before bed. No computer or TV an hour before bed too. Something about the light from the screens that makes your brain not rest. And I take a few nutritional supplements that are sleep aids. Calcium and Magnesium in a combined liquid form from the health food store really helps me to get a great night's sleep! I take that about a 30 minutes before bed. 

So instead of letting the stress get to me, I cooked a good breakfast of quinoa ( a South American whole grain that is a complete protein) and mixed in raw avocado and fresh tomatoes from my neighbor's garden. I also scrambled some eggs. The girls and I all shared this breakfast. 

Toddler logic: Whatever Mommy is eating and doesn't offer me is WAY BETTER that what I have!

I didn't offer it to the girls at first. I cooked their normal oatmeal with blackberries from our garden. When they saw me eating quinoa (which you can get in the organic section at the grocery store, or try Trader Joe's) they asked what I was eating. I told them it was "Warrior Food." Warrior food? Yup, this is the kind of food that warriors eat to help them grow and think sharply. They loaded up their plates and ate it up! (Okay, I have to admit that this worked only once. Now they won't eat it!)

Then I worked out for an hour with Robert, which was hard. His work outs are a great mix of plyometrics, working through various ranges of motion with weights and balance, core strength, stretching, using kettle bells, resistance bands and balls. You can find him at EastCobbBootCamp.com.


I enjoy the work outs, but when something is on my mind, weighing me down, it's hard to find my rhythm. I feel like I'm slugging through cold mud. That's why working out with someone, even a friend, is so helpful because it forces you to push through. And you always feel better and stronger afterward. After I work out, I always feel like I can handle my problems with less stress. 

Afterward, I went to the park with my kids and let them play in the sunshine (which, BTW, is really good for your brain and sense of well being). I met with a few moms from my neighborhood and enjoyed their company while our kids played. I read recently in an email about the benefits of female friendships.

"The speaker (head of psychiatry at Stanford  and a male) said, among other things, that one of the best things that a man could do for his health is to be married to a woman whereas for a woman, one of the best things she could do for her health was to nurture her relationships with her girlfriends.

Women connect with each other differently and provide support systems that help each other to deal with stress and difficult life experiences. Physically this quality "girlfriend time" helps us to create more serotonin--a neurotransmitter that helps combat depression and can create a general feeling of well being. Women share feelings whereas men often form relationships around activities. They rarely sit down with a buddy and talk about how they feel about certain things or how their personal lives are going. Jobs? Yes. Sports? Yes. Cars? Yes. Fishing, golf? Yes. But their feelings?--rarely. Women do it all of the time. We share from our souls with our sisters, and evidently that is very good for our health. He said that spending time with a friend is just as important to our general health as jogging or working out at a gym.  

There's a tendency to think that when we are "exercising" we are doing something good for our bodies, but when we are hanging out with friends, we are wasting our time and should be more productively engaged--not true. In fact, he said that failure to create and maintain quality personal relationships with other humans is as dangerous to our physical health as smoking! So every time you hang out to schmooze with a gal pal, just pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself for doing something good for your health! We are indeed very very lucky. So, let's toast to our friendship with our girlfriends. Evidently it's very good for our health.

And now I feel better. More in control and fresh. Which is a big switch for me. I can easily let myself get overwhelmed. I really like sweets and movies and they have their place. But remembering that life is a marathon helps to organize your priorities and not let one stressful issue take over your life.